Musings
by Crawler
Summary: Why didn't Tugger forgive Munkustrap in Catnip? Ritzkin Arc 6


Reading and re-reading this story, I decided that it is rather vital to the Arc. It tries to answer the question: Why didn't Tugger forgive Munkustrap?

Title: Musings (1/1)  
Rating: PG  
Warnings/Author's Notes: Mention of the slash scene from _Catnip_. First person POV - inside Tugger's head - set immediately after _Catnip_.

Make sure you're reading the Ritzkin Arc in order to understand what's going on!

I do not own Cats! (But I do own Simbol - he's mine, mine I tell ya!)

Just out of curiosity, how many Simbol fans are there? I know of one die-hard fan plus myself. We get up to stome _straaaaaange _things in our spare time...

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Musings

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Bomba wanted to know what was up between 'Straps and me. She wanted to know why I was such a rat to him. She demanded I go back and accept his apology.

I left Bomba behind and went home. Except I didn't. I wandered down to the bridge, the same bridge Ritzy would meet me under when we were kittens, and I curled up on the rocks.

I don't _know _what's up between 'Straps and me. He's pissing me off… and for no real reason. And I know that I'm not helping things, by hitting him in all his weaknesses. I'm the only one who even _knows _what his secret doubts and fears are. I've always been the one he turned to when he was having trouble fitting in with the Jellicles. I've been there for him… and now I'm slapping him in the face. He probably hates me now.

So why didn't I accept his apology? I mean, it took a lot of balls to approach me like that in the first place, and he really did sound sorry. I know he didn't mean the claw-slap he gave me earlier, and I know his control is near-perfect. Yeah, he wanted to hit me, but also because he knew I was the only one who wouldn't _really _get that offended. And because I egged him on.

I don't even really mind the scratches. They weren't deep enough to scar, and they were completely gone in a couple days. And I don't _really _mind 'Straps' pissyness – I mean, if I woke up from a catnip-induced stupor to find that he had fucked me… well, I'd be upset about it too. I guess. Maybe.

Maybe not.

And therein lies the crux of this matter. I like 'Straps. I do. He's my best friend; he's more of a brother to me than the Rumpus is. Just as I know 'Straps' doubts and fears, he knows mine. Most of mine, at least. He doesn't know the big one, though.

He doesn't know I _like _him.

But that's just stupid! I like Bomba! I like Teazer! I like Cassandra and Exotica! I like the queens who purr and flirt. I'd _love _to get my paws on little Demeter, but Bomba and 'Straps keep her away from me, and hey, I'm fine with that. I can handle it, at least. She's pretty, but I know she's only _really _attractive because I can't have her. She's 'Straps' queen anyway, and I wouldn't do anything. I may be a flirt, but I'm not a cad.

And maybe… maybe that's why I'm so upset with 'Straps. He has a queen now. Sure, she doesn't put out, and she's only kissed him once (I know – he went on and on about it!), but he likes her, and she likes him, and they hang out together. When I'm not in the junkyard, and he's not doing his guardian stuff, he's by her side.

And Simbol! Simbol keeps him hopping even more than Demeter does! I don't know what that tom sees in Simbol – he's just a gruff bully, if you ask me – but 'Straps idolizes that cat. If 'Straps loves any cat, it's Simbol. Sometimes, I wonder, if it came down to Simbol or me, who would 'Straps pick? Like, if he could only save one of us?

I have this really bad feeling that I'd be left to die.

I don't like that. _I'm _'Straps' best friend! Why does he idolize Simbol? Why does he spend so much time with Demeter? Yeah, I hang out with queens too, but I _always _make sure I have plenty of time for 'Straps. Why can't he do the same for me?

I feel like I'm losing him, and I hate it. But instead of doing the nice, sensible thing, and talk to him about it, I do the vain Tugger thing, and shove him away faster than he's nudging me aside. Way to go, Tugger.

Maybe… I don't know. Maybe if he still wants to apologize tomorrow, if I really _do _mean that much to him… maybe I'll forgive him, and maybe, maybe I'll apologize too. I mean, he may not have stopped me, but I'm the one who topped him, not the other way around.

But if I don't mean that much to him… if he really_ doesn't _care that I'm not his friend right now… then fine. I don't need him either. He can have his guardians, and his Demeter. He _won't _have the Tugger.

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To be continued in _The Protector_

I _promise The Protector _will be longer than this one. It might even end up longer than the original Ritzkin. It will, however, take some time before it's ready. Please be patient!

A note, though, the more reviews I get, the faster I seem to write...


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